Re-surrection

Sometimes I need some time to think. A moment to get inside my emotion in order to face the problem and find a solution. A common name for this moment is the "emo- time". Everyone has that emo moment, but we handle it in different way. Everyone sees things in their own point of view. All of us have our own maze of life to go through.

During the emo season, our lives tend to come up with all kinds of troubles and misfortunes. Like the cables of your desktop at home all tangled up. All you try to do is untangle them but find it too impossible then wish to cut them apart but decided to just leave it because cutting them apart is simply out of mind. As you leave the cables entangled, the condition becomes worse and worse. Finally, you will not be able to untangle it anymore except cutting them apart.

This is life. Our lives do get entangled sometimes. Most of the time I will say. Before I want it cut, I will always put my head in and try to untangle all the problems in life. However, sometimes when I am too in it, I tend to act a little bit extreme. In other word, too negative in thinking. I will think that the whole world is hopeless and I am nobody here. Like coming to this world is a total mistake. Like tsunami will strike anytime and that's it. Goodbye.

As a matter of fact, emo strikes countless times but I had never experienced tsunami and the world is still standing. KLCC is still in sight everytime I reach KL. In fact, tsunami will never strike Malaysia, specifically, Kuantan - The Salted Fish Town.

If it happens, all the salted fish are gone. No more mui heong ham yu for my aunt from Singapore neither do ham yu chao fan ever exist for me to order nor ham yu tauhu from Hak Yi Gai.What's worst is no more Malaysia movie scene at Beserah kampung featuring the hamyu there so no one will visit Beserah kampung just because it came out in the movie.

When I try to think this way, positively, sometimes I still feel very bad. Like why must I always be the one who is considering and not others. But I never to give up to think positively although it doesn't serve me well most of the time. Like you never gonna give up eating KFC just because the hybrid the chickens. When I keep thinking like that, I realised something. One can always easily pick things up, but when it is time to let go, one grasp things tighter than before. Just like you never let go of the string in tug-of-war until your opponents pull you over. 

However, if you don't want to get hurt, you need to learn to let go when you know that you are about to be pulled over. Nobody is going nurse your wound when you fell down and injured except for yourself.

There are things in life that you need to face all on your own. Your family and friends might be very concern about you but they simply cannot help you. They can just give you strength to go on. Spare you shoulders when you cry, lend you ears when you need to talk.

In the end, it is us that determine when there is sunshine. I already found my sunshine.

等待...

雨又开始下，这个夜晚还有我在等待曙光的来临。

真正痛的感觉，一次就已经很足够。

成功闯进上锁的内心世界，劫走一切情感。

人类的心是个无底洞。

当你往下掉的时候，往往不知道何时才会跌到谷底，但是心已经在谷底隐隐作痛。

当你跌得头破血流，没有人愿意同情你。

同情你的人往往是带着面具来到你眼前，伸出一双手。

面具四面楚歌包围你，让你无处可躲。

你开始四处逃亡，但是找不到出口。

呐喊——隔音室外没人听见。

困兽之斗在心中展开，撕开乌云密布的蓝天，地狱在脚下裂开。

有谁会来救你？

有谁来结束这一切？

谷底到了吗?

等不到黎明的到来, 就让地心引力从高处吸引你, 让一切往上漂.

Broken

1. Sometimes it is weird. Like nobody ever expects me to be in art field, and I am in it. Partially.
2. Most people thought that I must be in certain kind of field. They tag me, lable me, categorise me.
3. Maybe I look good in those, but I have my own opinions sometimes.
4. It might gives you a little bit shock but it is just opinions.
5. Sometimes I feel like if I speak out, others will think that I am being rude or even mad. As if I don't look too good if I make the decision in my way.
6. I have big wild dreams. But I dare not tell you sometimes. Because you are being skeptical.
7. Maybe it is not as lucrative as professions like doctor, lawyer, engineer or whatever. But so what? It is something that I will and I want to give my passion to.
8. There was a person in my life who knew my dream and she said I have real wild dream and I should just soar high to reach it.
9. Why hesitate? Because you are not giving me my wings. I cannot fly without wings although I wish to.
10. There is no point making myself look pathetic. The path in front I need talk alone. All by myself.
11. Why do I let others hurt me again and again? Nobody would care. It is just a mask. A perfect one.

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,

Isn't something missing?

RE-blogging

I was reading friends' blog and I realised something suddenly.

I haven't been in touch with them for a while.

Well, I did see them, yc with them, talk to them but I realised I actually didn't know what was inside their hearts.

This is sadistic.

It feels like we were just friends generally but not friends literally.

Blogging actually brings back alot of fond memories.

A few years ago, FB was not established and blogs are the on top of the internet list.

Almost everyone has their own space to write and share about whatever they want.

Their life, their feeling, their experiences, their stories and etc.

Blog used to be a place to spill emotions but since FB was established, blogs die out one by one.

I have to say that I feel safer blogging than posting notes onto FB.

Writing in such open space is like nude.

Like anyone can invade your world anytime, anywhere.

Although blogs can be open to all but somehow the feeling is different.

You do not have all the buttons and news feed and notifications jamming your monitor.

You can just write quietly all on your own without rushing to reply comments just because numbers are popping out from your notifications box.

There are no one who has the right to like or dislike your post in your blog.

You can just speak out and others will read.

Just feel free to drop by anytime to update yourselves.

And from there, friends are connected in a nice way.

Understanding each other without the need of literally telling things that are difficult to utter sometimes and you just prefer to put them in words.

Blog makes people to feel so near although we are very far apart.

It is a place of eternal memories that you would like to flip through ages and ages after.

My Virgin Experience with Canon EOS 550D

Well, as you can see, this is Canon EOS 550D (EF S18-55 IS). The current digital SLR I am using for my photoshooting job.

As usual, people react quickly to new things out of curiosity. Therefore, this is the thing that most people would do when they get hold of a digital SLR, shooting their own reflection in the mirror. Haha. This is my current reflection.

Right. The story starts like this. I volunteered to be the photographer of NS Sunday programme at PBA. Actually, I was called because someone got invisible. Haha. As I had not much time left until my first photography session, I started doing some homework. I started google-ing and asking about this model camera systems and functions. Off course, a little hands-on activities would be great. I played with the camera until 4am in the morning (although photography session starts 8.30am the same day). Finally I kinda got used to the buttons after buttons. Haha. And the 'lab rats' were all the corners around my house. These are some beginner's productions.

My living room in classic mode.

My super-edited bookshelf (if you can see).

1/4 of my dining room and the grandma chair.

It looks like the first ray of light in the morning but it was my tungsten lamp outside. Haha.

Another super-edited sunrise outside my house!!

Ok. Back to my original event. They were asking for some candid and close-up shots. I was a little worried because I have coordination problem. Which means my brain and limbs don't function in parallel. Haha. Very few friends knew this but I finally make this public.

Since I had no other options but just go, I actually did do some candid shots. However, I missed a few interesting scenes as I was using short lens for close-up shots. When I was near them, they consciously avoided the lens and acted like normal. To not alert them doing stupid things and to catch their stupid moments, I changed the lens to a longer one. Thank God. I was quite successful with this longer lens. I saved some energy running up and down because I could just do a few digital zoom for distance object. However, the quality of the images produced would be relatively low. And Adobe Photoshop CS5 will come to aid for this. Haha. Computer solves problems most of the times. Oh ya. Photoshop also helps me to cover up the flaws. No choice. Amateur camera lady! (the president kept calling me camera lady because he couldn't see where was I -- my face was too small compared to EOS 550D and the sun tanned NS students) To solve my height problem, I randomly grabbed any chair of the students who went to toilet and wondered where their chairs were when they got back. Haha.

I mischievously shot their stupid and ugly faces. Haha. Coudn't disclose them here because it will be piled up into compact disc as loving memories for the students.

The aftermath of this photography session was that my legs were pain. It was like fleeting up Batu Caves stone staircase in 5 minutes just to get down before they off the light and lock the entrance. I couldn't feel my leg, not literally.

My next task is taking group photo -- without tripod. OMG. Imagine them standing on the stair case and I, on the flat floor holding 550D, hands shaking, can't see all of them in the lens. Another challenge. I tell myself silently, challenges is good in life. And it better be right.

The camera lady - weini

此刻97 （继续盗用）

每当我需要你的时候，惊觉你早已离我远去。

你却把这片回忆留下来让我默默守候。

这些回忆让我措手不及，让我不知如何是好。

每次流泪，不知是为了你抑或那些片刻回忆。

有太多时候，太信任，太依靠你，以致我完全失去自卫能力。

而如今，我又想像刺猬，左闪右躲，不想让你看见那偷偷流下的泪。

穿梭在夜晚的路上，拼命希望红绿灯转红，好让我与你有再多一点点时间。

但是，灯转红了，先前想好的句子，一字一句无法说出来。

结果，我们又保持沉默。

心底的回忆将永远埋藏在那不死的坟墓，你何时倾听？

时间还没停下来，我却已准备好，将你所有的回忆冷藏。

皆因，我无法再活在你的悲恸里，无法与你的悲怆共度余生。

我无法将心底的话告诉你，我害怕，很害怕，再次被你背叛。

今晚好冷，穿上寒衣，仍然感觉到打从心里的冷。

此刻96 (继续盗用)

I was listening to A-Mei collection of songs. Then I came across 曾佩慈. I noticed that she sang a song that A-Mei sang too. I wanted to see how good she can sing because I quite like the theme song she sang for 终极三国 - 泪了.

So, I just waited with not very high hope because A-Mei is my favourite female singer and this song 没有烟抽的日子 by 张雨生 is really a very nice song itself and a difficult song to express.

So she started to sing. Very deep voice she has. And she sang abit out of pitch.

However, towards the end, tears rolled down. And right after she finished singing, I broke down and cried, not because of any unpleasant memories but solely her touching and magnetic voice. It was superb. Although her skill was not as good as A-Mei or Lala but the way she expressed, I just like it very much. She really sang with her heart and soul, like she was in the song. Very very nice indeed.

Nowadays, good singers are very rare. And this, 曾佩慈 is definitely 1 unforgettable 1.

Fall for 曾佩慈.

Love, weini.

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weini decided to study hard and finish all her homework in time!!!! Please support!!!! LOL. I can ma?? I also wondering and doubting myself. But cannot also must be can lo. I 24/7 stick to the screen 1 lo. Butt cannot move 1. If not, then I stick to my bed until tuition time also pass liao. Like that really can die lo. SPM how many more days, still like that. weini ar weini, WAKE UP LO!!!!! Lately hor, alot people ask me, eh, weini, what's wrong with u? Actually, I also don't know what's wrong with me. Just blur and confused everyday. I risk making mistakeSS everyday. And finally, this reknown Ironman--weini, fell sick. No voice can be produced!!! Haih. Movie with tragic ending. Hello. Are you crying? I know you not crying la. Just trying to make myself feel abit happier ok. Sometimes right, I find myself hate my school and the organisations I am in. I don't know why. But I just want to hide myself sometimes. I don't want people to see me, to complaint me, and to kick me aside like I am nobody anymore. I just want my life back to normal. I want to live smoothly, without this and that, that and this problems popping up here and there, there and here everyday. I had have enough of this. It is time to let go of the power I once possessed, the responsibility I once carried. As a matter of fact, I am quite disappointed with both myself and the institution I am in. However, I hope a rainbow is always ahead of me. Although it is a frown, but it is the nicest frown!!!

Love, weini

此刻 94 ( 继续盗用 )

I was quite busy lately. And this is going to continue for another 2 weeks. Then I have my July test. F***. Don't even have enough time to check out Jay Chou's news. But thanks to friends who constantly update me with Jay's news and videos. It was really nice of them. I found that I can't catch up with my studies. I am really lazy and not very interested in studying anymore. This is a real big problem. I stick to 2 counselling teachers everyday but I still have plenty of problems. Fail. I just can't set my mind properly to face all the challenges in life one after another. I am rather confused now. The worse thing is, in the midst of all this confusion, I am still packed with complicated incomplete work. Like the most recent, school based Kem Bersepadu. i have members who are rather irresponsible, finding all kinds of excuses to not to join the camp. And to all St John members' sorrow, we are deprived of leaders. We, the committee members have something more important that cleshes with this activity. However, we also have some committee who has nothing to encroach on but just simply refused to go. This is very incommited of them. And we also have a number of members who, initially, are supposed to join us in this camp, drawing themselves out because they too have something more important to go for, which is the Choral Speaking competition. One thing that I really regret is, out of 6 teachers advisor, 3 are in Management and only 3 are left behind to stay with our members throughout the camp. But 1 is unwilling to stay with them and one more has got her personal family problem. So, we are only left with 1 teacher advisor, which is really a headache for me because I fear that the members will not be very clear, what to do and what not to. However, I am glad that my only teacher advisor who is left over together with the member tried her best to get everything on track. I am also happy to see that my members are one-heart, trying to make this camp a success!! Still, I am needing some advise and encouragement from my dear soulmate, Diao. Diao is my Petroleum that are quite precious. Haha. 1 thing that still bother me much is that I have missed 2 camps that I thought they were going to be fun. One is INTI Youth Empowerment and another 1 is Penang International Jambori. I really regretted not going and I avoid myself from feeling even sadder by not looking at those beautiful photos of the camps. I am just a big fat liar who is still an armature lying to myself. FAIL!!!

此刻 93 (继续盗用)

我需要有一天，无所事事，心血来潮，情绪零碎的时候，坐下来，静静思考，爬爬格子。

再会。吾爱