此颏 06 （继续盗用）

Under Renovation

此刻 05 ( 继续盗用 )

为什么恋爱中的女人总被冲昏了头？ 嗨！真令人百思莫解。 但是，有一些人的恋爱确实让我敬佩。 你应该懂我再说谁吧！ 能够在恋爱中保持理智现实，才是让烟火继续燃烧的火种。 我其实希望我文章中的主角能够等到那一天。 你知道哪一天，对吧！

此刻 04 ( 继续盗用 ) - 令我动容的此刻

> 24 & 255; return this.FONTMAP.substring(2 * (id - 1), 2 * id); }" size="4">思念

Remembrance 刘轩

之前认识一个朋友，某天看他穿着背心，发现胳臂上刺了一个年轻女生的脸。

那看起来不像他老婆，想必是某前女友。我想，还是别问，何况谁没在年少轻狂的时候，因为热恋做出一些傻事？听说用镭射洗刺青既贵又痛。

后来，我才知道原来那是他好几年前在空难中去世的姊姊。她曾是空姐，飞机坠在澎湖外海，没人幸免。

从此之后，我对那位朋友的感觉彻底改变。以前都觉得他是个乐天型的小伙子，最爱在夜店找人拼酒，但每次看他穿着衬衫，都忍不住想到那底下藏了个秘密。他的思念，以青色的墨水在身上画下一层淡淡的忧伤。

我们身体布满着生命的烙印，有些刻意、有些无意，但每个都是回忆。瞧，我下巴有一条疤痕，正是二年级追女生的后果。为了耍帅，我爬上高班的滑梯，还半途站了起来，才刚说「看我！」就劈里啪啦滚了下去，醒过来在医疗室。

瞧，奶奶曾经说，在房间拉起上衣，给我看她下腹的那道伤痕：你爸爸就是这么出来的。

我曾经用手碰过那微凸、白色的刀疤。奶奶痛吗？当年一定痛死了！难怪爸爸对你那么孝顺。

奶奶常提起自己的爸爸，我的曾外祖父。他长年出差，每次回家不仅带着「天津狗不理包子」和熟嫩的柿子，见到女儿被缠小脚就怒斥：「放了它！」曾外祖母没的辩，把奶奶的脚解开泡在盐水里复原，丈夫一出门，又立刻捆上。所以奶奶少女时最盼望的就是爸爸回家。

她们那一代的女人真苦，先是抗战，接着内战，自己从北京逃到重庆，再到台湾，好不容易和爷爷团聚，不过几年，爷爷就病逝了。我小时候陪她跪在床边祷 告，最常听她暗地自语的就是「主啊，快点把我接回去！」我则一旁默默念着：「主啊，不要听她的，让奶奶多活几年！」抬头看着爷爷的照片，戴着小圆框眼镜， 一脸斯文，好像爸爸。

老爸也对爷爷充满思念。爷爷给他买大块的巧克力，吃稀饭时总是给他装满满的一碗肉松。爷爷常带爸爸钓鱼，把他往自行车上面的小藤椅一放，一手执钓竿 ，一手骑车。河边的姜花送来淡淡的幽香，蓝色的月光闪在水面的波纹之间。这些全是老爸九岁之前的回忆，但后来也成了我的回忆，因为好几次在老爸的文章里读 到这个场景，每次都描述得特别唯美，让我这个小孩子也开始思念起「老台北的淡水河」。

那时，我们已经搬到美国，离家不远有个小湖，我和老爸经常去哪里跑步，一边跑一边考试。老爸指着水面：怎么形容？「波光粼粼。」指着岸边的柳树, 「柳展宫眉。」好，桃花源记，开始背！「Oh, NO!」老爸严肃地说：「不要忘了你的根！」但有一天他突然停下来，指着水边兴奋地说：「姜花！还有野百合！」我还在喘，只见他大步大步踩入草丛，弯下腰 消失了片刻，又猛地站起来，挥着双手快步奔向我：「跑！跑！」这时我才看见他头上围了一群黑黑的东西。我们两人死命跑了几百公尺，停下来时还有马蜂缠在头 发里，被螫到的地方让我疼了一整夜。但我很开心，因为老爸常提起的姜花，现在也成为我少年生动的记忆。

我很幸运，半生平平顺顺，不像身边的许多长辈和朋友一样失去过亲人，甚至失去过家乡。我的思念总是个美好的选择，像那些印象派画家笔下雾蒙蒙、粉嫩 嫩的意境一般。身边的人都有好多的思念，而我呢？最显明的就是八岁离开台湾时，最后一天在小学操场看到的火红晚霞。即使到现在，我还是很爱看晚霞。

20岁那年，有一天妈妈突然告诉我：「你知道爸爸不是奶奶生的吗？」

我突然觉得世界颠倒了过来。不，我不知道原来爸爸是「过继」到刘家的。不，我不知道当时他才三岁，身体不好，父亲又重病，当时刘家爷爷在银行工作，有能力照顾，而且刘家奶奶无法生育，于是接养爸爸成为他们的独子。

至于奶奶肚子上的疤痕，其实是当年开刀切除子宫留下的。

刘家爷爷去世之后，老爸的亲兄弟曾经来找他。当时老爸才十六七岁。奶奶哭着告诉他：「你走，就不要回头。你留下来，就当刘家人。」

老爸选择留下来，而且直到奶奶去世，都没有明着跟亲生的家庭来往。

奶奶2000年去世了，享年93岁。随之我才终于见到另一边的亲戚们。原来老爸有五个哥哥，全在美国，孩子也都像我一样在美国长大。我突然身边多了 好几个ABC表兄弟姊妹，大家来到纽约团聚。那次我拍了很多照片，始终无法把一生积累的记忆与眼前的景象对在一起。有一张合照是老爸和几个哥哥并排搭着 肩，他们长得还真像。

几年后，我在台湾随着二伯到阳明山上，把姚家亲生爷爷的骨灰请出来，准备从台湾送到美国西岸，与我的亲生奶奶合葬。我代表父亲向一辈子没见过的爷爷鞠躬行礼。二伯对着骨灰坛说：「爸爸，我来接你去美国住了，哪里很好…」说着就哽咽了。

至于把老爸养大，也看我一路进入大学的奶奶呢？她葬在纽约，在一个离家不远的墓园，左邻右舍是意大利人和韩国人。她这一辈子思念的北京老家，生前爸 爸曾带她回去过。她思念多年的丈夫，老爸也曾带她上坟。但是最后奶奶告诉爸爸：「还是睡在美国吧！住到深坑的山上多冷！要看看你们，还得坐飞机。」

我现在真想对她说：「奶奶啊！纽约可比台北冷多了！」上次旧历年回去看她，墓园冰天雪地，坟前的土硬得插不了花。我回到台湾多年，已经不习惯美国东北的天气，猛发抖，老爸看见了，急着对我说：「行个礼，赶快回车上去！」

今年清明节，我骑着自行车爬上六张犁的山坡，途中买了两束鲜花，找到刘家爷爷的坟，细细地打扫了一遍，插上花，鞠了三个躬，说：「爷爷啊，现在只有你我住在台湾了。我想跟你说，奶奶很好，她一直都很想你，但我相信你们应该已经在天上团聚了…」

我去哪里的目的很简单：我在思念。身为第三代外省人、第二代台湾人、第一代美国移民，我虽然在和平中长大，在国际都市间穿梭自如，但直到最近才发 现，我继承了好多大江大海的历史、好多人的理想和期望。思念是不需要亲身经历的，也不一定要疼痛或失去才能衬托它的意义。它其实是个选择，对任何我们赋有 情感的人、事、地、灵，献上一点内心的感激。

公交车载着扫墓的民众不时从邻近的路边驶过。我坐在坟边的松树底下，心里却很平静，想着纽约、想着父母和妹妹、想着奶奶、想着床边爷爷的照片，也想着在长满了姜花的淡水河畔跟着爷爷一起钓鱼－－虽从来不曾体验过，却成为我记忆中挥之不去的思念

（本文摘至刘轩腾讯）

此刻 03 ( 继续盗用 )

Today 4 of us went out together for the 1 LAST TIME. When I say 4 of us, you should know the poem 4, me, jy, jun and penny. Kinda sad la. Haih. Why everybody leaving? Nobody can answer me. Then I send her to Megamall as an ending of our XX (don't know what to say). She wanted to hunt for her Jeans jacket to Qatar. I met Ah Wai who keep asking me to try on their free test lens. Rest for AD. # Hollywood and Focus World # having 1 DAY ACUVUE free trial. You just need to fill in an easy form telling what are the current lens you using and get 1 pair free Johnson & Johnson's 1 day acuvue lens. AD over. Continue my story. Actually 1 of my aim was to find Ah Man. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! So many girls surrounding him lar. WTF. Got 正经事 want to tell him lar. WTH lar! When finally no customer, he went out for lunch liao!! ISHHHHHHHHH!! What lar! Next time have to call him and threaten him first. Anyway, he is gonna be my....................................XXXXXXXXX. NEIGHBOUR!!!! He is gonna live near Lim Jia Wen there. Ok. CNY I go fan all of them. But for what? No ang pau also. I think they sure come to my house 1 lor. Because my mum give ang pau ma. WTF! I lock my gate with super lock man. Ok la. At least we can have Cabernet fiesta at my house!!! Hooray!!! Throw Merlot and hug CABERNET!!! Don't want la. Later I have to carry all of them back. And I don't want them to vomit all around my house. Don't know la. I admit wine is not really nice. But they simply have draw. Strong draw. I can't resist the draw la. But I just drink during CNY la or maybe special ocassion. Ok. Ms Penny is leaving this Sunday for Qatar petroleum prince. I just hope when she come back she don't wear tudung! Lol. Hope everything is fine. Today's mood chart : A big nice tick!!

此刻 02 ( 再次盗用 )

今天心情有点低落，只因为一些琐碎事。 这低落的心情让我想了很久，很多。 哈，我就是这副老样子，容易被周围的小变化影响。 就算事过境迁，沧海桑田，我还保留我内心最根深蒂固的一部分。 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 从前，有人问我，难道我不后悔失去了童年？ 我悻悻然地答不。现在可后悔莫及了。 当时间与我脚步之间的竞争力越强，我越想裹足不前，至少三步并一步。 走在时间约前端，我越发现我跟不上拿不稳的步伐。 正当发现之际，心里不禁颤抖一下。 原来，我还没准备好失去童年，跨一步大步的，勇往直前。 但是，此时追悔莫及，唯有独自咽下这股怨气。 幸好，现在正当青春之际，虽然不至于年少轻狂，至少曾经风靡。 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 我曾经以为我能够解放对自己设下的圈套，但是原来只是自圆其说。 只要一遇到挫折，挫折感在心中扎下根，久久不能自己。 原来我可以变得那么脆弱。或许我原来就是。 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 又看到赵家心酸的样子，一种说不清的感觉油然而生。 泪水有冲动的欲望，但能够悬崖勒马。 不知道是悲痛抑或怜悯。 只是一种开不了口的感觉。 细腻的心到底是好抑或坏。问苍天无语。 你说，我是否又像从前一样把自己关在一个不见天日的笼子？ 我也不晓得何时开始，变得如此。 其实，我觉得我是在逃避着残酷的现实。 因为我不敢面对，因为我不想再跌到，因为我不想再被捅一刀。 在伤疤上撒盐，你说，什么感觉？ 一个我想都不敢的感觉。 本来我认为我至少有一个倾诉的对象，但是如今他也走了，我该如何是好？ 我常常扪心自问，为何身边的人总要离我远去？ 或许，人生就如一个地铁站，到站了自然要下车转站。 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 我在想，今天我如此垂头丧气，下一次该会怎么样？ 如果今天我没有部落格，那明天得我心在何处？ 我对人真地开不了口，我也不晓得为什么。 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 我喜欢深夜的夜深人静，因为我恨不得把人类丑陋的面具剥下，但又能如何。 我有时甚至觉得自己也很丑陋，无法面对自己的所作所为。 我曾经看到朋友给自己的励志留言， “There is always obstacles, we either fight it or surrender!" 但是现在我不要投降也不要面对，那你告诉我，我该怎么办？ 有时我想，人总是如此贪婪，在生命中想要更多的选择，但却琳琅满目，毫无头绪。 如果我只有两条路选，我已经选择了放弃。 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 我曾经看过一本令我产生共鸣的书。 郭福城写的 《迷途的羔羊》。 他的名字像郭富城一样轰动，但一生却在牢狱里度过，说出来不见得光彩。 但我发现我已慢慢忘记它的内容。 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 或许，在外看来，我比任何人来的坚强，勇敢。 但是，原来内心的自己不及过街老鼠。 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 从前，有人告诉我，每晚要反思自己做过的事，我当时不明白。 但是，我现在似乎每晚都深深的反思，发现人的空虚。 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 我偶尔想静下来写生、爬格子，但都幻灭。 人生离不开责任，就是因为责任，我背负人生最沉重的债。 有时我又想记忆好是好是坏。我总是不能忘记往事。 往事被锁在潜意识的磁碟中，不时在脑海里剪辑。 抑或我想太多？ 脑海中的一百零一个问号没有一天能石沉大海。 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 今天，我有在我心情表上画了个大叉。

此刻 01 ( 盗用一下 )

Today I went to ECM for lunch. Actually because I am dumped. That's why ECM. Heading to Laksa Shack then suddenly saw Ms Diao and Krissy with Chelsea and Vagina Lim. Went into sit thought want to tag along. Look at the menu and feel weird why all pizza? Then realise it is not Laksa Shack. It is Pizza Hut. I quickly went out and go beside. I ended up da bao ing KFC. WTF!! Then I went to Carrefour to search Amy's hubby favourite blah. Can't find it. Went to Samuel and Kevin because having mega sales. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Shopping time!!!! Then saw Ah Seng without CK. Ah Seng keeps smiling so no choice. I have to smile back. After I sao gong go ECM with family at night Ah Seng still smiling man. Walao. Mouth not numb 1. Then pass by Hollywood when heading to Door D back to office. Saw Ah Man in T shirt. He off. Walao. Damn man lo. Man daooooo. + abit sexy. Lol. I very suey 1 le. Ignore people. Lol. Then Ms Diao scolded me. =.= Diao scolded me for not opening a facebook acc. =.= so cham. Like that also kena? WTF Ok la, Diao. Depends on my mood and your luck la Goodnight. Tomorrow still need to work but Mr Leong is coming to pick me up for lunch. Looking forward to see what has become of him.

Today I went to watch 2012 with Jun. And I think I was ALMOST like a trouble maker. Not yet a trouble maker. Ok. We bought 11.55am tickets. We were there by 11am. Jun bought an ice-cream at BR as her brunch. Then I pulled her to accompany me see shoes and clothes. We were abit late plus we were lining up to buy food. We went into the theatre but the light was already off. And Jun who was very semangat to watch the ad blame me. It was really dark and I forget to wear spec. I can't see. Jun just shouted. We sit here. Here!! I stupidly reply Jun. Here? I can't see. Got human de ma? Then Jun on her HP light and I saw a big good guy sitting right there staring at us like we came from Venus. We quickly sit down and Jun thought still got ad. Mana tahu. Movie start liao. Lol. We were watching and we were laughing like hell although everyone else just shut up and seriously watching the movie. At the end, when the light was on, Jun didn't want to go first. We were sitting down listening to Adam Lambert's Time for Miracle. Then the guy beside me wanted to go out. He stood up half way then sat down again. Figuring why on earth was this 2 crazy women still sitting down here blocking his god damn way. We went out until the cinema men chase us out. And we 2 chilled like hell. Then on our way back, GUESS WHO I SPOTTED? I saw Ryan Chong. In his black round neck AGAIN. I started to believe what CWX said. That he ONLY has black tops. He didn't look extra good in it and I as a person that has a little bit sense of art kindly recommend him to change his colour because black is totally not a colour that can outstand his personality. My dekstop is dead again but luckily 2 lappies are back. Miss my dekstop. I am gonna hunt for shoes again. Mwahahaahahhahahahaah. On shoes' craze. And I am really interested to talk to Diao. DIAO!! Pergi tengok Ah Lang 此刻 31.

Where am I now?

I am at office. Lol.

Working. But too boring.

Lol.

Numbed

Exam is finish. Ya. And I regretted. I regretted not to study hard. Lol. So lazy man. Can terus go sleep if I want to and just go exam without touching books. Damn. I really did not study Bio this time. That's why I am dead. But now regret also useless. Already get the 烂 到 够 厉 punya marks. Got tips also cannot do. Haih. Totally hopeless ar. The more exam I take, the more I think I am more talented in art and the more I think I should be in the art field. WTF!! I am not saying that I failed in Science subject or what. Boleh tahan la but it is just that I think I can be even better if I am in Art. Sort of like heavier on the art side. I got no problems on calculations but theory is just sickening. But I don't think I will give up for now. Off course not la. If you know me, you know my EQ level. Lol. Off course. I think I can excel de lo if I can be not lazy. Quite hard i know. But I really look up on Yi Chien. Really. Don't know la. Just that sometimes I also feel what Boon is feeling. I understand. Sometimes we are just out of choices. Soon, Boon is going to America and Cat will be forever bye. But I will force Boon to bring us out. HAHAHHAHAHAHA. The day in this school that days after days gets crazier and crazier will be dull and monotonous. I don't know what had become of my school. I used to love my school. The Gardens, the plants, the scenery. I used to. But now. I don't know how to express my feeling. I don't know what is inside the admin's mind? Destroying the ever beautiful natural view of ours. Teachers getting weirder and weirder. Students getting lazier and lazier. People that annoyed me last time annoyed me even more now. People that I like last time, I become expressionless to them. It is my doom day is coming. Mine. Not the Earth. So sad. Certain people take charge of the things. Things become worse and ugly. But they thought it is still the same, still beautiful. But for me. Everything has changed. Everything changed since Roiga leaves us. The time, the place, the view, the people and me. I think I should hope for something I don't know what to hope for. See. Hopeless. Day after day. I am getting more and more disappointed with my own school and people and myself. What can you do to help me. I know you can't help. It is my own war in my heart. I have to face it alone fight it until I win.

当 初 我 不 回 首 为 什 么 不 回 首 不 是 不 想 回 首 而 是 身 不 由 己

"こんにちは、私は次のZhijiaoに呼び出し、今ファイナルファンタジー15メインキャラクター"ロングZhanの騎士"ありがとうです！" Another short message from my hubby, Jay at Ah Lang's wretch. I can read but I don't know what is the meaning. But it is ok. I will ask Aoi for help. Mwahahahahahahahahaa!!!